Why he has power over you (it's not what you think)

When we are living in fear of abuse, when we are controlled and threatened by someone else, we usually think it is happening because of these things:

He is bigger than you.

He is richer than you.

I'm not going to argue with you about those factors. You may have a lot of great evidence that someone in your life is bigger and richer than you. That may even be true.

But, that is not why he has power over you. It's not even because he's great at sex (assuming he is). If he's not, or he's your gross boss, sorry for bringing it up.

Those may all be reasons you want to keep an abusive person in your life, and if you are satisfied with those reasons, I won't argue that either.

The real reason he has power over you is because he is evidence of a story you have about yourself.

When we believe we deserve violence, we hang onto the violence in our lives. When we believe we deserve humiliation, we hang onto humiliation. When we believe we are ugly or pathetic, we cling to all of the evidence we can find to prove what we think of ourselves.

Wait, you tell me. You know you are smart and successful in other areas. You know you are creative and that you have people who love you. I know that, too.

The idea that someone else's abusive behavior means something about you is only a brain glitch. This is great news, and usually our brain glitches are there because our brains are trying to protect us. You see, your brain has evolved so that the primitive, unconscious parts think you still live in a tribe and are being hunted by giant bears. It wants you to hide and conserve energy, so that you don't die.

The primitive, unconscious part of your brain wants to make sure you don't get rejected by the tribe, so it is constantly warning you of what you might be doing wrong. "Just give up now," it says, "and you'll survive."

It does not know how capable and talented you are. It does not know how well you've taken care of yourself. It does not know the people around you who genuinely support your strength and love watching you grow into the best version of yourself.

The most magical part of this brain glitch is that letting go of it is the easiest way to transform into the next, more incredible version of yourself. Who would you be if you let go of the idea that you deserve the life you are living now? Sign up for a consultation and let me know.